http://terrificparenting.com/ by Randy Cale, PhD, Parenting CoachnnWhy Consequences Are Essential in Teaching Children LimitsnIn my last art...
http://terrificparenting.com/ by Randy Cale, PhD, Parenting CoachnnWhy Consequences Are Essential in Teaching Children LimitsnIn my last article, I introduced how important consequences are for making rules that children easily and naturally learn to honor. Today, I want to explain more about why such consequences are essential, and how to use consequences more effectively.nOften we equate "consequence" with punishment. But when I speak of consequences, I refer to any response that the world brings to a child (or adult) --- as a result of his or her actions/choices. nConsequences Prepare Us for Thriving In the Real WorldnnWe cannot avoid consequences. This is part of life, and consequences are there to 'instruct' us on the best ways to handle reality. Thus, for our children to be prepared for reality, children need to experience reality-based consequences. nnIf we fight against the consequences of reality, we often struggle and suffer. The more we resist the consequences of our choices, the more we suffer. For some, it appears that we just don't seem to 'get it' ---even though consequences keep slapping us in the face! Why is this?nnIt appears that much of this inability to 'get it' comes from the experiences growing up. If a child is protected from the consequences of poor choices, it appears that the child learns to believe that there is no consequence for them. nnChildren then have trouble thriving in the real world. It's as if their brain becomes wired to not take responsibility for their poor choices. Yet we can understand how they believe this, if we, as parents, do not consistently make this connection clear to them.nnChoices Comes With ConsequencesnnFor any action we take, there's a consequence, either immediately or down the line. The law of "choice produces consequence" doesn't change. It's just that the consequence tends to become more and more severe as we get older. nnThat is why it is essential for children to get this while they are young, and we have the chance to instill this critical learning: Choice comes with consequence. nnHere are few critical examples, where parents often get soft on consequences:nn• Children watch extra TV with no consequence.n• Children lie about homework with only verbal threats of what will happen.n• Children take no responsibility around the house with no consequence-only lectures.n• Children stay up late, lose sleep, and are allowed to go late to school.n• Children lose their IPod and get a new one with no responsibility for payment.n• Children talk sassy and disrespectful, and still get everything they want.nnWith No Consequence for Bad Choices, Kids Develop 'Delusional' ThinkingnnDelusional thinking, as I use the term here, is not about the clinical, formal use of the term. It is about children/adolescents thinking in a way that is 'delusional' when compared to the way the world really works.nnHow often do we see adolescents who firmly believe that they know more about the real world than mom or dad? I see it every day! And yet, their thinking is quite 'delusional' in many ways.nnNow some of this is natural adolescent independence, but for others, they have a slanted view of the world that has no appreciation for the relationship between their choices and the consequences that will come to them in the real world.nnIn order to get this critical lesson about reality, we can't protect our children from their poor choices. If we start early, by setting up consistent consequences for choices, we then see that children do 'get it' and are well-prepared for stepping into the real world.nnAs always, I invite your questions and feedback on these articles. You can email me directly at DrCale@TerrificParenting.com. Less
