Susan:nThere are some people in the world who say that writing stories,nor composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them.nNothi...
Susan:nThere are some people in the world who say that writing stories,nor composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them.nNothing interferes with their ability to create.nWhile I celebrate their creative freedom,na little part of me just wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth.nThis song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out y'allnBackup:nWe'll sing backupnSusan:nYou have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer.nBackup:nOld sock drawer!nSusan:nYou have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French whorenBackup:nJe suis whorenSusan:nYou have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bakenbut you best grab a stake, cause,nin sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires,nFilling you with doubt. Insecurity, 'bout what you art should benin sweep the vampiresnAll:nDie vampirenSusan:nYou sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TVnBackup:nTippy Turtle!nSusan:nBut your fourth grade teacher saidnFemale Backup:nYou can't drawnSusan:nAww, those vampires just won't let you benBackup:nFuck you Ms. Johnson, Word!nSusan:nAnd when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing.nSusan:nIn swooshnBackup:nOoh, the vampiresnSusan:nin a whooshnBackup:nooh, the vampires,nSusan:nBabaganooshnBackup:nooh, all the vampiresnSusan:nFilling you with thoughts ofnBackup:nSelf consciousnessnSusan:nFeelings ofnBackup:nWorthlessnessnSusan:nThey'll make younBackup:nSecond guessnDie vam-nAll:n-pire!nThere are so many vampires, inside, outside, and nationwide,nit helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide!nListen closely,na vampire is any person or thought or feelingnthat stands between you and your creative self expression,nbut they can assume many seductive forms.nHere's a few of them!nBackup:nTell us Susan!nSusan:nFirst up are you pigmy vampires.nThey'll swarm around you head like gnats and say things like:nMale Backup:nYour teeth need whiteningnFemale Backup:nYou went to state school?nMale Backup:nYou sound weirdnAll:nShakespeare, Sondheim, SedarisnSusan:nDid it before you and better than you, or they might say that you cannotnsing good enough to be in a musical, or they might say:nBackup:nOoh, your song's derivative,nOoh, your song's derivative,nOoh, your song's derivative,nnSusan:nTo keep that song from you! Just tell them:nBackup:nDie vampire, die!nSusan:nBrothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire,nshe might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny.nShe smells something unpleasant in what you're creating.nShe'll urge you to:nBackup:n(Spraying sound)nSusan:nIt with some pine fresh smell 'em ups.nThe air freshener vampire doesn't want you to write aboutnBackup:nbad language, blood, or blow jobsnSusan:nShe wants you to clean it up and clean it out.nWhich will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchlessnbut, you'll be left with two tight paragraphs,nAll kittens that your grandma would be so proud of.nYou look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin' face and you saynAll:n(Chanting)nSusan:nThe last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.nIt'll wake you up at 4am to say things like:nBackup:nWho do you think you're kidding?nYou look like a fool.nNo matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enoughnSusan:nWhy is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platformnand said these things, I'd think he was a mentally ill asshole,nbut if the vampire inside my head says it,nIt's the voice of reason.nBackup:nYou have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!nYou have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!nnSusan:nOh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the tracheanfuckin' break it, go on drive a stake in,nYeah there's no mistaking, now you're shake and bakin'nAll:nDie, vampirenI said, "Die, vampire"nI said, "Now die vam-pi-re, die!"nAll:nIn fly the vampires, oh my the vampires, then die the vampires,nfilling you with life, creativity, all that you heart should be, out go the vampiresnDie vampire, die vampire, die vampire, die! Less
